If you've experienced chronic insomnia, you'll probably know how different the world can feel at 3am. I've worked with thousands of clients over the years who describe almost exactly the same experience. They wake up, realise they're awake and within seconds their mind springs into action. “What time is it?”, “How long have I slept?” “What if I don't get back to sleep?” “How am I going to cope tomorrow?”
Before long, they're no longer simply awake. They're struggling with being awake. And that's an important distinction.
When clients ask me what they should do at 3am, they're often expecting a technique. Perhaps a breathing exercise, meditation or relaxation method that will help them get back to sleep. But one of the first things I encourage them to practise is much simpler. Stop trying to solve the night.
Right now, you're awake. You don't know when sleep will return. As uncomfortable as that uncertainty might feel, fighting with it won't give you greater control over sleep. In fact, it often does the opposite.
Every time you check the clock, calculate how many hours are left, test whether you're sleepy or desperately try another technique, you're sending your brain a very understandable message: something is wrong and I need to fix it. And when the brain believes something is wrong, it becomes more alert.
Instead, I help clients practise meeting the moment they're actually in. Notice the mattress supporting your body. Feel the duvet against your skin. Notice your breathing without trying to change it. If your mind starts predicting how terrible tomorrow will be, gently recognise that your worried brain is doing what worried brains do.
Most importantly, see if you can give yourself permission to be awake. Not because you want to be awake or because sleep doesn't matter, but because wakefulness is what is happening right now. Fighting reality simply adds another layer of struggle to an already difficult night.
You can still rest. You can still lie quietly. You can still respond to yourself with kindness. We can't control whether sleep returns in five minutes, an hour or later than we'd like. But we can influence how we respond while we wait. And each time you meet a difficult night with a little less struggle, you're teaching your brain something important. Being awake at 3am may be uncomfortable, frustrating and frightening. But it isn't an emergency.
